The Reflective Call of Carers Ageing without Children and/or Family: ‘Who will be there for me when I need it?’

Hadley, Robin ORCID: https://orcid.org/0000-0003-4254-7648 (2023) The Reflective Call of Carers Ageing without Children and/or Family: ‘Who will be there for me when I need it?’. Ageing Issues Blog.

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Abstract

In the mid-1980s my father aged 60 died at home of kidney failure – in no small part due to having spent the majority of his working life working nightshift in the newspaper printing industry. In the latter stages of his illness my mother, younger sister, brother Alex* and myself were the main carers. While in the mid- 90s my mother died aged 72 of peritonitis following hospitalisation following a series of strokes. Before hospitalisation, Alex and I were the main carers being available to ‘live-in’ with her in our childhood home. In the past decade two of my older siblings have died of different forms of cancer. Alex* was eight years older than me and like me, was a mediated childless man (1) and died aged 63 in 2015. Isabella*, mother of two daughters and grandmother to four children, 10 years older than me, died aged 70 in 2020. Both my siblings were solo living although Isabella had regular contact with her adult children and grandchildren. In both cases we siblings rallied round to support our brother and sister. The decisions around who would be the main carers was pragmatic. In Alex’s case, my older brother Ken and I were geographically closest, had access to cars and were available to care: I was mainly working from home on my PhD (2) and Ken (father and grandfather), had just retired. As Alex’s illness progressed other members of the family stepped in to give us some respite. At the very end stage the two sisters who lived furthest away were able to be involved in his care. The support for Isabella was different. Again, as Ken and I again were geographically closest, had transport and were available, we were the main sibling support. During the early stages of Isabella’s treatment we supported her daughters work and family commitments by transporting Isabella to and from treatment, helping around the house etc. In the later stages of her illness, Isabella’s daughters became the main carers and our role changed to one of supporting them. For example, by sitting with Isabella to enable either or both daughters to deal with health and care providers, work and/or familial duties. Both Alex and Isabella died in their respective homes with their family at their side. The role of carer that both Ken and I undertook is not unusual with men being at least 42 per cent of carers. Research shows that adult sons provide substantial help in accessing health and care services as well as emotional and financial support (3). The stories of my brother and sister’s end of life journeys highlights the importance of adult children and familial support in the care of older people. Indeed, the social health and care system in the UK is almost completely reliant on family members to perform the bulk of adult informal care. As stated in the 2022 House of Lords Committee on Adult Social Care report (4) ‘“Gloriously ordinary life’’: spotlight on adult social care’, it is frequently the adult childless who are viewed as available to care for their older parents and/or other family members.